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under the sea.
just like

a breeze that knocks your shit over on a warm day,
I didn’t expect him to get in the way.
And just like the girl and guy always find out in the end,
It didn’t take long for us to learn we fucked too good to be friends.
Just like the steady veins under my skin,
He always stuck around to seen how I’d sin.
Just like the shore never refused the sea,
He never heard a no from me.
Just like stars stay true to the sky,
I never told him any lies.
And just like every human who walks this earth too,
I would make mistakes and I thought he knew.
Because just like the nail marks on top of my shoulders,
I’ll never get to forget the promise we made when we were younger.

And just like the small dent in the front of my car,
The oh-so big picture is made fucked up by one tiny part.
Just like they say how opposites attract,
I think that’s what killed us, as a matter of fact.
Just like a shitty song stuck in your head,
Everyday I hear every word that he fucking said.
And just like every needle I’ve made my friend
Afterwards, I never wanted to see him again.
Because just like my mother told little Stephanie back in the day,
What you do always speaks louder than anything you could ever say.

Just like the hair around my face and the black in the back of my mind,
I try to not think about him all of the time.
And just like putting out your pain with your whiskey makes you see your drink twice,
When he would leave I always chased, a monster left to her own device.
And just like the taste of sex from a love gone dry,
What is the meaning of bittersweet when we are born to die?
Because just like the hiccup before you cry,
I’ll never understand how he could do this and I’ll never fucking get why.

And just like the silence that comes before you find out they’re dead,
I counted all the ways I could’ve kept us alive in my head.
And just like every fucking tear that has dripped down my drain,
I cursed every stupid fucking moment I let him push me to brink of insane.
Just like every time they bite my lips,
I can’t help but see the smile he made when he grabbed my hips.
Just like every time I smoke outside,
I feel the rain and smell the leather of that one time.
So just like every second that comes too fast,
I held onto all the moments that were now past.
And just like every fucking honest asshole told me,
I knew one day I’d be fucking sorry.
And just like that bad fucking dream that comes true,
I could’ve sworn that everything happens for a reason, even when it isn’t supposed to.
Just like when you take the junk out of the junkie,
I had to find a new me.
And just like the night becomes day,
Because he made me fucking blind, he showed me the way.

But just like the words we both left unspoken,
Some promises, before they’re made, are already broken.

I compare you to binge drinking,
the throbbing headache and nausea
I can endure, I’ve had worse.
Right now I could cry,
such a raw hope consumed me
as I thought about you, desperate.
It was still dark for me then,
when I needed you. Now it’s day.
It brings a true smirk to my face
to know you are nothing more
than a night of binge drinking:
a foolish part of my youth,
a consequence of boredom.
I could not hold your liquor,
I vomited all that bile you said to me
in the hedges outside. Don’t fret,
this is not a bad memory, in fact
you might never be a memory at all.
I am well. I will drink better and
far more dangerous poisons.
I am today, you are only last night.
Alissa Rogers
Dear you,

whats new with me?

I dyed my hair black. I got sick of the murky brown it was. I am colombian already, don’t need an overkill with the brown. brown eyes brown skin brown hair brownbrownbrown. jeez. Plus, I think my eyes stand out more because of my darker hair. C’monnnn, you know how I feel about that shit. I also cut my hair too, I think you’d like it. Everyone else does.

I finally finished the stupid Early Start math bullshit my school was having me take, because I suck at math. lol. Passed science and English with beautiful flying colors, but nooooo not math.  So yeah, I dooooo guess its my fault I was too lazy to study beforehand, but at the same time the class was retarded as fuck. Totally not necessary, but whatever. Its done. YESSS. Such a waste of day light and fucking brain cells. Its not like I didn’t know the shit in that class already. Theres a HUGE difference between being LAZY and being STUPID. 

Although being lazy sometimes makes you feel dumb as shit, like being in that class just for being lazy…

I don’t know if you remember, but I work at a taxi dispatching company? Yeah, quit that. I really just can’t do the crazy hours and drunk people calling all the fucking time and the drivers hounding you to give them people to pick up. Like, I can pull random passengers out of my ass or something. If I could do that, I am sure I would be way rich somewhere making some very exotic fetish porn. Not answering some old smelly phone in a janky office, getting paid 9 under the table. Just wayyy too stressful. Plus, no offense, but indian people are fucking nuts. And they never pay as much as they’re supposed to. The indians I worked with anyways.

And babygirl needs her money. $ <3 $

Lets see, what else…I haven’t dated anyone but I have been fucking. Like a 19 year old should. A lot. Idk. I just rather have sex instead of muddle in messy relationship bullshit. Plus, you can fuck your friends and still stay friends. At least, thats what better happen.

I am starting on my stupid diet/exercise shit again. I have to. havetohavetohaveto. The time for being stoned and lazy is over hahaha now just to be stoned and on top of shit. I am a pretty functional stoner from what I’ve seen, but I got to start stepping it up. Hellllllaa. I will absolutley not slip up shit when it comes to school. If it comes down to it, I will stop smoking and doing everything if it starts to affect my grades. I used to be able to throw everything away for a good night, but not anymore. I just really want to be a doctor, I guess.

All of my friends romances are falling into place…which I think is cute and all, but really hard to watch knowing that a few of my friends are having the exact bitter opposite. I mean, I’m happy for the loooooove spoooooooshing out this fall, but it makes me anxious too. Because my friends are all fucking floozies, fucking and larping around, doing drugs and trying to live in Northern California, year 2012. Which means, in all reality, real serious relationships never really go down up here. And no one dates in our group anymore.  Well, we all say that but it ends up happening anyways………….ugh.

So as yay as I am about everything, I know its all going to hit the fan hella hard in a few. Not too excited. But, to my friends, good luck mates<3 

Went to santa cruz twice this past week, wait no three times. To our friends house and get high on the beach, and the other time because I lost my keys BECAUSE I was high. And thank god I found them, because those bitches cost almost 300 fucking dollars to replace. Staple your keys to your forehead before you smoke or drink. Especially really expensive-to-replace-ones.

Lesson learned. 

I am going back to SC again this weekend I think. A love of mine wants to go trip there for her first time, and it would be dumb of me not to go and see her through. I am probably going to drop too, everyone knows I’m quite psychonaut. I already know what I am going to wear and what music I’m going to have ready. This will be the second to last time I do acid. Once more with another love of mine, and then school starts soooo, nothing else but marijuana (if even that). I know I’ll go crazy if I let go too much. hahaha.

Now whats left on the Agenda is drop 30-40 pounds, find a new job, get ready for school and my BIRTHDAY. You remember, right? November 28 (;

I still think about you. Time to time. I imagine we get close to running into each other a lot, in some way or form. Like, its such a small world that neither you or I could be a couple houses away from each other and never know. Or maybe a couple life choices away from being crazy for each other again. But maybe its better that way, not knowing how close you are. Because having you near drives me crazy and I can’t think straight. I don’t make good choices and I just fucking don’t think period. You always said it was a good thing, but I think you know that you do it and you just don’t care soooo youuuuu caaaaan gooooo fuck yourself. lol.

But honestly, I do hope I see you soon. Not too soon, but soon enough. Fall out of the sky and into my life or something. I know we both fucked up, but I don’t just want to end it like that. And I hope, over time you see why I did what I did (especially dating the monster I was), and why I should’ve done different. And also, maybe you forgive me, too.

I want to hear more about you, its been too long, I think. And there’s something about you that always makes me feel like someone pushed my reset button, makes me feel lucid and awake.

I’m due for a wipe out.

Love you oceans,

Me. x

P.S. Its going to rain here soon. And I promise that when it does, the first drops are for you. 

cats, dude.

My cat doesn’t like me working late, I’ve come to find out. He’s a freak…the complete opposite from what you’d expect from a cat. Needy, clingy, super vocal, separation anxiety…..such a little biiiitch sometimes. I love him but he’s NUTS. He knows he’s so cute, he can get away with anything. Even berating me like a paranoid obsessive girlfriend at 6 in the morning. For instance, he turns into the biggest vagina when I get home from working all night, swear to god. Ill walk through the door, and he’ll be sitting in the window sill. He won’t even look at me for five minutes, but when I’m finally nice & cozy in bed about to pass the fuck out, that’s when the craziness starts up. ALWAYS. He’ll be all like meowing and wailing at me like “Where the fuck have you been, bitch? I have been up all night waiting for your ass to get home, who was going to feed me and change my litter if you died blah blah meow meow meoo0000oow.” And his meows…he sounds like I’m stabbing him or doing some fucked up Saw style torture to him, not even cute little kitty meows. No, they are loud, blood curdling, skin crawling wails of extreme cat despair and anguish. The neighbors or people walking by probably think I’m some crazy cat murderer or some shit… thanks to my cat. & all I can do is seriously sit there, trying to calm him the fuck down, telling him over and over again “Wtf chill out dude, I’ve just been at work. Stop freaking out. Omg shut uppppp.” I’ll try to grab him, but he’ll run away from me and will just keep meowing away. He seriously won’t shut up though, until I somehow calm him down enough to pet him till he falls asleep. He really gets legit pissed off. And now I have work again tonight…preparing myself mentally and emotionally for the angry caterwauling to ensue in the morning. I don’t know what’s worse, having a boyfriend or having this neurotic cat.

a letter from one freak to another.

dear sweetfood,

Seeing you the other day was really nice. Running into your arms in Greg’s small ass kitchen was quite romantic. MOVIE MOMENT AHHH. I was bummed you had to leave so soon, hella hating on myself for not waking up on time, feeling like the moment you had to go I had sworn you just got there. You still are as beautiful as I remember, bee tee dubs, always looking like you have your shit together. All of the sad horrible things that happened to you were hidden, you didn’t exhibit any sadness on your face. Only your eyes, which is so unfortunate, considering how gorgeous they are. When I talked to you later on at your house, I found out that the stable appearance wasn’t as solid as it usually was. I am so glad you talked to me, let me know whats going on. I have been so worried about you, and for very good reasons (as much as I wish they weren’t). I was so happy to see you cry, because I don’t give a fuck what assholes may say, crying makes you feel so much fucking better. Its also a sign you’re FEELING.

All I have to say to you is this: keep going. I know we, as human beings, like to put a name on everything for everything. The idea of semantics and words to help us understand shit that goes on around us, within us. But we get so obsessed with labels and names and describing stupid shit like that, that we loose touch of just how we feel about those things, just naming them so we can hurry and deal with them. What I mean by this: don’t worry about “moving on” and the process of it. Just keep moving. Whether its to up here for a visit or the thought traffic in your busy brain….just keep moving. Keep feeling, keep loving, keep living. Don’t dwell, don’t sit still, and don’t get sad. You are beautiful and smart, and have lives out there who need your butterfly effect girl. Baby, everything else will follow. 

You’re already doing it as we speak…I am so fucking proud of you. Every time I see you, you continue to blow my mind. From the shit you cook in the kitchen, to the grace with which you use to handle all the horse shit life throws at everyone. So much that while I work this grave, sick off my ass, I decided to post all the things I was supposed to tell you before you left, but didn’t have the time to. THAT MUCH. Like the GAY ASS BEST FRIEND I AM, BITCH.

In order to keep this from happening again, maybe you should move your way back to us again? maybe sometime super soon? and maybe forever and evuuuuur?

loving you oceans deep, your greedy friend, rodriguez.

Sister: [Enter anything the evil she-bitch chooses to bitch about that day]
Me: Hey Kels...
Me: Its because you're fat.
Sister: I'M TELLING MOM, MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: :)
I don’t get it.

"I just want to go on a date. I’ll wear a savy little sundress and I’ll curl my hair. I hate curling it because I have so much and its so long, but I’d do it just for you. And you’ll wear some nice jeans and the button up shirts you know I love so much, and you’ll pick me up in your eco-friendly car at exactly noon. My family adores you and you love my cat and its just perfect. 

Then you would surprise me with tickets to the aquarium because you know dolphins are my favorite animals, and the flowers you’d give me would be sunflowers because you love how the look in my hair and you know my favorite color is yellow. We’ll drive to the aquarium where you’ll hold my hand the whole time, and when we get to the dolphins you’ll laugh at me because I swear to god I turn into a five year old who just discovered finger paint. But you won’t be laughing at me, you’ll be happy that I’m happy, even if its weird that dolphins make me that happy. We will take pictures in the stupid photo booth thing, and I’ll complain how my hair looks like crap or how my face kinda looks stupid, and you’ll tell me that I’m full of shit because I know how fucking beautiful I am. Beautiful, not sexy.

Then we will go to the beach and play tag ‘cus we’re immature like that, and I’ll keep looking for those stupid dolphins in the waves, and you’ll be looking for the tiny crabs that bite your toes because you secretly think they’re cute. And then I’ll surprise you with a picnic and a bottle of wine I hid my not-so-eco-friendly purse, and we’ll get drunk like classy motherfuckers and write our names in the sand and build short bus kind of castles, only to watch the bastard waves wash them all away. 

Before we leave, I’ll grab your hand and make you stand with me right where the waves meet the shore. I’ll tell you the story of how when my sister and I were little, we would stand right here and watch how the waves and the sand would suck our feet right in, and we would pretend we were getting sucked into the ocean too, even though we were standing still. 

And then you’ll say something gay and romantic that will make me laugh and cry like a blubbering idiot, because that’s what I do. You’ll think its the cutest thing in the world, but I can’t stand it because it shows just how much I fucking love you. And when we are done having that gay ass precious moment, the sun will be setting and we will kiss like we’re in a movie. You’ll carry me back to the car, and we will drive home, never letting go of each others hands the whole way back.”

I don’t get it. WHY CAN’T SOMEONE DO THIS FOR ME???????????????? 

It’s much easier to humiliate, degrade, and just generally shit all over someone, than it is to admit that you love them.
"You don&#8217;t see the three cunts it took to fire me in a picture like that. You know why? Because these guys run the place and they hate those bitches and they just smile and nod and save their cash until they can go retire and be a king in Mexico. They liked me because I am real and I treat them with respect and I don&#8217;t throw corporate bullshit at them. I also work fucking as hard as they do and they know and respect me for it."
&#8230;.One of my most favorite people in the whole universe. Erica, I will forever be your #1 groupie. And you should want to be too, after seeing this amazing picture.
I love the people I got lucky enough to call my friends &lt;3.

"You don’t see the three cunts it took to fire me in a picture like that. You know why? Because these guys run the place and they hate those bitches and they just smile and nod and save their cash until they can go retire and be a king in Mexico. They liked me because I am real and I treat them with respect and I don’t throw corporate bullshit at them. I also work fucking as hard as they do and they know and respect me for it."

….One of my most favorite people in the whole universe. Erica, I will forever be your #1 groupie. And you should want to be too, after seeing this amazing picture.

I love the people I got lucky enough to call my friends <3.

Your last rant, moon.

It hurts so bad when you love someone so much, and its like they don’t even see you. In two weeks they change your life and how you feel about everything, and then leave you standing alone. You are invisible to no one, but that person you fell in love with seems to never notice you after that. And it goes on for days and months and even years and all you can do is hope that maybe they’ll turn around at some point and see how you’ve been there all along, that you become the only thing they see the same way they were the only thing you thought about since the day you met them, even after they left.

This hurting though, its a weird pain. Its not sharp and constant like heartbreak, its dull and steady…almost replaces your real heart beat. You never notice it until something they do makes you notice the pain that has been there all along. Like for example, do you ever notice your heartbeat? No. Not until you are scared of something, or you are feeling anxious and it is then you notice its there. Key word in this case, being outside stimuli.

I can go day to day with this pain, forgetting about it while I am at school or hanging out with my friends. But when you talk to me, or I feel like you are finally seeing me for what I am…Its then when I notice it and it aches like crazy. You stimulate my sense of that pain, one sensation that the lobes and nerves of my brain had helped me forget. Its you that brings out the fear and anger and the anxiety, and the lust for something that will never be mine. And it used to kill me, to the point I wanted to put distance, miles, in between us hoping it could cure the one thing nothing could.

But it didn’t. It didn’t and I finally realized why. In some sick way, I loved it. I loved the feeling you gave me, because it gave me something to feel that wasn’t hate for myself or anyone/anything. Even dating, kissing, fucking other people, still all I could do was fucking love you. You gave me another poison to drink that didn’t kill me as much as heroin and that tasteless glass of booze. It gave me something to hope for, something to live for, everyday in hopes you would flip that switch and overnight decided you wanted no one else but me again. And I was okay with it, okay with that because you were the one thing I could never have.

So wanting and hoping for something I could never have, I would never stop running for something. I would never not have a reason to push myself, or not be the person you would finally see. No matter what happened or what anyone did, I could wake up in life and have a purpose, have a drive for a goal that was always fingertips width out of reach but would always be there.

But now I see that its pointless, years of trying are the evidence to reinforce this. Even always being there for you through thick and thin, after you pushed everyone away and you were at your lowest. Even after I have tried to scream and make myself seen, turns out your ears and heart must be deaf to my voice and feelings. And nothing I can ever fucking do will change that.

And that’s when I say enough is enough. I finally see it and understand. I am better than that. Better than this. And I am better than you. I don’t deserve someone who cant see something great in front of their own fucking nose. I don’t deserve someone who cant give anyone a fair chance. I don’t deserve someone who cant do for me what I did and still do for them, whatever that entails. And that includes love me, and even just fucking acknowledging my existence.

So as of tonight, I am moving on. You are no longer what I wake up for, or the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep. The pain stops tonight because I am done trying to fly to touch the moon when god fucking knows I wasn’t born with fucking wings, and the moon is fucking miles away and NO HUMAN SURVIVES IN SPACE. I can dream all I fucking want to and hope and pray and love that moon with all that being, but that doesn’t change the laws of science and reality that stand in the fucking way.

If I want to fly, I’m going to do it for me and you can bet your ass it wont be to the moon or where you are, its going to be fucking California because I miss my family and THEY LOVE ME AND SEE ME FOR WHO I AM. If I want to fall in love and chase after someone, its because I know THEY WANT ME TOO, and they also NOTICE AND LOVE WHO I AM. AND FUCKER, JUST SO YOU KNOW, I am going to be one of the most fucking influential surgeons in history and you can just look down from the edge of the fucking moon, and WISH you had fucking seen me trying to get to you again all those years ago.

Sorry for the rant, but its one thing I’ve always been good at right?

BY THE WAY, keep your stupid pain. I’ll take my fucking heartbeat back, thanks.